My Problem: Expecting Others To Act As I Would

The root of many of our disappointments lies in expecting others to act as we ourselves would.

We expect the same sincerity, the same selflessness, the same reciprocity, but yet the values ​​that define our heart are not the same as those of the minds of others.

William James, philosopher, founder of functional psychology and older brother of Henry James, said in his theories that a very simple way to find happiness is to minimize our expectations.

The less we wait, the more we can receive or find. That’s pretty controversial reasoning, of course, but it has its logic. 

We all know that when it comes to our relationships, it’s inevitable that we don’t have expectations.

We expect certain behaviors and we want to be loved, defended and valued. But sometimes, these forecasts are not there.

Whoever expects too much from others ends up being hurt by a tiny detail or nuance, hence the importance of taking certain aspects into account.

When we expect others to act according to our expectations

Parents expect their children to act in a special way, spouses expect everything from their partner, and friends expect support in everything they do, even if it goes against our values.

All of these frequent situations are clear examples of what is called “the curse of expectations”.

Sometimes there are people who feel that what a particular person thinks, feels or judges must be part of a well-established standard, and they even make lists on their concepts of friendship, love or love. family, which no one succeeds in filling.

Disappointment is therefore present on both sides all the time. The key, as always, is in balance and above all in the need to be realistic.

It is clear that there are expectations which are “legitimate”, which enter into what one is entitled to expect (non-betrayal, sincerity, respect, fidelity etc.).

They are pillars that balance positive and healthy relationships. However, when someone is obsessed with the excellence of the bond, whether emotionally, in family or in friendship, frustration inevitably arises, as well as resentment and anger. We have to take this into account.

How do you stop expecting too much from others?

No one is too naive when they expect others to show their good qualities and their good sides. We have the right to see them, and even to ask for them, but with care and caution.

We can expect a lot from others, but the best will always be to expect more from ourselves. We are so complex, which is why  we can deceive others as well, just as the people around us can deceive us.

Keys That Help Stop Expecting Too Much From Others

To help you stop expecting too much from those around you, we give you the following keys:

• No one is perfect, not even ourselves. If we had to meet the expectations of others and our own, we would fall into a dynamic that is as stressful as it is unhappy.
  No one is an example of perfection or absolute virtue. It is enough to respect each other and exercise reciprocity in the most humble way possible.

• Learn to differentiate expectation from addiction. Sometimes we make others responsible for our own misfortune.
  We build high expectations on someone because we are dependent on what they offer. So we demand that he act the way we want because that is the only way we can feel good, even if it makes the other person suffer a lot.

• Accept that you can’t always get something in return. This characterizes many people: “ if I render this service to you, I expect you to render it to me”. “If I show an openness and strike up a pleasant conversation, I expect others to act the same.”
  Whether we like it or not, these things don’t always happen, and that’s neither good nor bad: it’s just about accepting others as they are.

To conclude, perhaps William James was right with his simple proposition: the less we expect from others, the more surprises they can bring us.
It would just be about allowing us to be a little more free and less dependent on the behavior of others.

We are all fallible, we are all wonderfully imperfect beings trying to live in a sometimes chaotic world where disappointments are inevitable but where heartfelt loves and lasting friendships also reside.