Setting Limits: The Art Of Assertiveness

Assertiveness is a fundamental skill for diplomatically handling those situations where others take liberties they should not be taking.

This unorthodox definition responds to a reality we all face: lack of respect.

Setting boundaries firmly and peacefully is the key to ensuring that no one crushes us and that we are respected, without disrespecting others.

One of the benefits of learning to set limits is that we also recognize the rights of others, and our limits on them.

This means that being assertive makes us more respectful people.

Decide where your limits lie

What does going too far mean to you? What are you willing to tolerate other people, depending on the type of relationship you have with them? Set your limits, both for yourself and for others.

Whether they are in one place or another will depend on several factors and your personality but also your values, your beliefs and your expectations in life.

It is possible that there are people who feel embarrassed by your determination, but that is not your problem.

Maybe this increases the difficulties of “adjusting” in society, but if the price is to betray yourself, ask yourself what is the meaning of this direction of life.

The good news is that over time, if you are able to maintain your boundaries peacefully, saying it right, people will get used to it and eventually respect and even understand the red lines you have established.

Give yourself a margin, be flexible

While it is important to mark limits and make them very clear, it is also important to accept a certain margin and be flexible.

Not everyone will share your opinions and this can lead to misunderstandings.

Not all people who overstep your limits will have bad intentions. They can do this with the best intention in the world.

In this case, you have to use an additional filter and consider the good intention of the other.

Always act as if there is no malicious intent. Yes, sometimes you have to do a big job of hanging disbelief, even bigger than watching a Marvel movie, but it’s a lot healthier and easier to run.

Too much forgiveness can be counterproductive

Despite the flexibility that can be shown, the limits are here to be respected.

If you constantly accept what others are doing, it will be much more difficult to solve the problem. That is why it is necessary to clarify things as soon as possible.

If things are well said, it is enough to say them only once.

But the longer you wait, the more difficult it will be and you will take more risks. The other will be more offended even if you talk to him well.

So, remember that the more you give in to the red line, the more difficult it will be to reclaim the land that you have offered of goodwill and the more you expose yourself to conflict.

So if you want respect, you have to respect yourself first. Forgive, yes, but don’t beta. Once, at most two, is more than enough.

Keys to saying things with assertiveness

To put it in an assertive way, it is not enough to let go of the must-do list or to say to the other person: “You cross the line, please respect my space”.

In addition to that and the peaceful way to say them, you also need to know what to say. 

Here are the four keys to saying things with assertiveness, so that established boundaries have more opportunities to be respected:

• Let the other person know that you need to tell them something, without showing an emotional reaction or sending an accusing message. If you’re in the middle of a conversation or she’s blaming you on things, ask her to take a break.
• Tell him what the problem is and why. Tell him what’s bothering you and give him your reasons.
• Explain to her how you want her to behave with you and the benefits you will get from it.
• Seek agreement and understanding. If she tells you that she doesn’t understand or that she doesn’t like your attitude, you need to reassert yourself in your explanations.

This type of communication can be a powerful corrector of bad behavior.

Seek re-education starting from closeness with the other, in a firm but also open, honest and sincere manner.

Of course, there is always the possibility that the other will not change their attitude, but at least you have created the conditions for peaceful understanding.

In any case, avoiding a violent confrontation or one punctuated by misunderstandings is always a good idea.

If the other feels like arguing, don’t get into their game. Don’t get caught up in an endless debate.

Tell her quietly that it’s best you talk about it later, when one or the other’s states won’t interfere as much, and when you can find a meeting point.