Why Can’t You End A Relationship In Which You Are Emotionally Abused?

If you suffer from psychological abuse and are unhappy, the question that looms on the horizon is: why don’t you go?  A very complex reality may lie behind this question. Many usually ask it to the person who is experiencing this painful and exhausting relationship. Fear is hidden in these bonds of domination. Just like shame, indecision, confusion and even love. These are difficult situations for those who do not experience them to understand.

Neuroscience often tells us that our brains are made to make connection between us. Thus,  at the beginning of a relationship, it is not only a commitment or a life in common that is established. Our brain structures are also getting used to this connection. They get used to this shared daily life, to this affection, to the intimacy of this mutual space.

Therefore,  when abusive behaviors appear, the other person often chooses to minimize their effect. The brain refuses to deal with the reality of the damage with clarity. He becomes attached to the bond because accepting the truth can be extremely painful. Little by little, the perception becomes blurry and transforms into a sophisticated mechanism of self-defense to preserve the idea that all is well.

Psychological abuse is a very smart trap. We cannot therefore trivialize the subject by saying that the victim is blind, naive or indecisive because he does not react to this situation. The abusive tactics used by the domineering person are often based on strategies that are as cryptic as they are implacable. It is not easy to escape from this spider web overnight.

You Are Suffering From Psychological Abuse And Cannot End The Relationship: Why?

If you suffer from psychological abuse, it will take time to come to terms with this reality. It is possible that those around you have asked you how you can tolerate certain acts, certain words, certain behaviors. However, you distance yourself when they make a comment like this. Others don’t see what you see in your spouse. You tell yourself that this is someone special, someone worth it.

You will repeat this internal discourse to yourself, day in and day out, until it eventually does not fit any more. Until you realize what trap you’ve fallen into. At this point, it is common for another dynamic to develop. Because even if you realize the abuse, you won’t feel strong enough to end the relationship. Because at this precise moment, fear will appear.

We are pointed out in studies like the one by Jacobson. N, Gottman. JM and Gortner. E from the University of Washington that  these situations can last between two and five years on average. The reasons why it is so difficult to end a relationship while suffering from psychological abuse are as follows.

The psychological “freezing” state

Psychological abuse ultimately has the same impact as trauma. It is an evil that operates on a daily basis, through the most subtle things. It is a constant blow to self-esteem, to dignity, to self-concept.

The victim ends up suffering from the same symptoms as during a stressful situation: mental exhaustion, headaches,  muscular pains, small memory losses… All this often leads to a state of psychological “freezing”. In other words, the person ends up separating from their emotions so as not to suffer, not to feel pain. The aggressor is therefore even more motivated to harm him.

Abuse Tactics That Change Thinking Style

We often overlook one thing in the effects of psychological abuse: the abuser always leaves with a key advantage. It is of course about love. She will constantly use this ingredient for power. Every request, every thread that she will move in her favor will be justified by affection, that false double-edged affection that will always make the other person give in.

The victim will use self-justification, cognitive dissonance and false beliefs to fit into these dynamics and not suffer. Little by little, these manipulative tactics will even change his thinking style and his personality. She will even come to believe that everything is her fault, will end up hating herself, will be ashamed, will feel anxiety …

The need to reinvent ourselves in the correct way

When you suffer from psychological abuse, you are forced to reinvent yourself as a person. The deterioration is so great, the wear and tear is so pronounced, and the vulnerability is so palpable that it is understandable to find it difficult to gather strength and end the relationship.

We will need support, people we trust and professionals who help us rewrite ourselves correctly. We will need to heal. Psychic abuse may not leave visible marks while it erases us completely. It erases identities, it blurs qualities, it breaks self-esteem and skews values.

We can rewrite ourselves once more but in a healthy way, using the ink of resilience and the paper of hope. Let’s make someone stronger and prepared to write better chapters. Because even if the past is not forgotten, it is only part of our history. It doesn’t have to define us: it can only be used to create more beautiful stages, happier stories.

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