I Can’t Help But Think About My Ex: Why?
Why can’t I stop thinking about my ex? A month, six months, or even a year has passed, but the spirit is still attached to this person, to this completed relationship that somehow conditions our present. Why ? What kind of psychological mechanism keeps us from turning the corner and moving on?
Sometimes we would like to have a button that would allow us to erase suffering and even certain memories at will. It would be ideal to be able to press it to manage, at least, to decrease the intensity of the memories, and to prevent this person occupying our thoughts in an invasive and painful way …
Indeed, there are loves that are anchored in the brain and lead to obsessive and exhausting states. We all know or have all experienced this feeling of inability to leave a relationship completely. We continue to send messages, awaiting a response.
The person, unable to accept the situation, checks his ex’s social networks daily, suffering with each photo featuring the ex-partner in his new life. What if we drift into this reality?
Why can’t I stop thinking about my ex?
“Help me stop thinking about my ex”. Many people come into therapy with this need knowing, of course, that they have reached an extreme degree of wear and tear and obsession.
These are situations in which it is difficult to function normally in any area of life. Sometimes the memory of the breakup makes it impossible to work, enjoy fun times, and think about future plans.
Some people try to divert their attention with new practices, sports, with a personal development course . Others enter into a relationship in a futile attempt to forget.
There are also those who drift into the use of alcohol, drugs or other types of dangerous behavior. This gives us a clue to the answer to the question of why sometimes it’s hard to forget your ex.
These situations present the same psychological mechanism as that of an addiction. The brain orchestrates the same mechanisms as a person who cannot stop smoking or who goes to play in the casino every day … Let’s analyze this in more depth.
Love is sometimes like a slot machine
The metaphor is not very poetic, but none the less illustrative. There are indeed loves that turn into an obsession and make us act like the addicted person who goes to a slot machine every day.
Therefore, one of the reasons why I can not stop thinking about my ex is due to the brain reward circuitry of dopamine. When we are with our partner and everything is fine, the levels of this neurotransmitter are stable. We feel happy, we experience security, pleasure and well-being.
However, when ruptured, the production of dopamine and norepinephrine dramatically reduces. As a result, symptoms of alarm, despair and abstinence syndrome arise .
What we can do to end this ‘addiction’ is walk away, break contact, stop checking social media, remove the ex’s number from their phone. The more we expose ourselves or look for ways to get closer to our ex, the more we reinforce the addiction, the abstinence syndrome and therefore the suffering.
The anguish of separation: I love you so much more now!
Anthropologist Helena Fisher has spent decades studying everything about the mechanics of love (and disenchantment). Regarding the perennial question “why can’t I forget my ex?”, A new phenomenon is emerging that she has called “frustration attraction”.
These are situations in which separation and breakup does not just awaken that obsession mentioned above. There is also an idealization of what has been lost as well as a need for greater attachment. Helena Fisher describes it this way: “The anxiety of separation is like a puppy far from its mother: it goes around in circles. , barks and moans. ”
In addition, a study carried out at the University of Graz (Austria) reveals that this phenomenon is more common in men. They are often the ones who continue to perceive their ex in a positive way. In contrast, women tend to focus on the more negative aspects in order to accept the end of the relationship.
What to do in this situation?
The best thing to do during a breakup is to rationalize the causes that motivated it. If our ex has decided to end the relationship, it’s because he or she doesn’t love us anymore. This is something that we must then accept as soon as possible.
I keep thinking about my ex: emotional pain
Ethan Ross, a professor at the University of Michigan, conducted research in which he demonstrated that the brain interprets social rejection and a relationship breakup similar to a burn. In other words, the emotional pain experienced is similar to the physical pain.
It also explains why it’s hard for us to turn the page and stop thinking about our ex. Attachment, memories of the past and the inability to come to terms with reality fuel these states in which pain, far from diminishing, “ignites” even more.
What are the solutions ?
Any significant breakup must go through a grieving process. A step to leave space for suffering, for pain, to then detach from it. Acceptance corresponds to that phase where we detach ourselves from memories to create new ones. Giving way to new projects and new goals is always the best option.
However, do not hesitate to seek professional help if it is difficult or impossible for you to move forward and treat the injury. Especially if you can’t seem to let the person out of your mind.
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