The Art Of Keeping Calm During An Argument

Saying what we think or what we feel is a skill that some people, through impulsivity, neglect or ignorance, do not work enough. In fact, we have all gone out of our way during an argument, sometimes even forgetting the message we wanted to convey. However, staying calm and maintaining control in different situations is quite an art.

This is a difficult task, but not impossible either. In fact, psychologists who are experts in communication and conflict management – in the branch of social psychology – have spent years of study and research trying to identify what remedies might help us in this regard.

Nelda Sheldon and Shoron Burton (2014) explain that the interpretation of the situation is the most influential factor ; in other words, it is not so much the situation itself that takes us out of our hinges, but the vision that we have of it. For example, when one takes the argument for a personal attack, it is all the more difficult to remain calm.

Different scientific studies have therefore been undertaken with the aim of determining the role of self-esteem in the way people argue. Thus, it has been observed that those who have low self-esteem and an even more fragile self-image tend to get angry more easily.

By linking this to what we have clarified previously, in this internal context, it will be easier to experience arguments as a personal attack on the ego, which is already weak at the base. So, on many occasions, one may find oneself with a disproportionate response to a small remark or criticism.

In summary, other studies conclude that it will be easier to stay calm during an argument if we improve on some of the factors listed above that predispose us to it. Think about how personality, confrontational habits, and learning are a big part of how we deal with arguments (

We therefore wanted to provide you with a series of practical strategies below to help you stay calm during an argument.

Dr. Mark Beyebach (2010), an expert psychologist in brief therapy and solution-focused therapy, explains that rehashing past situations increases the likelihood of viewing the argument as a personal attack. Hatred and helplessness then appear, because the past cannot be changed.

Thus, these negative feelings blind us and make us forget the very reason for the dispute. They give rise to a feeling of wasting time, which frustrates us, and then intensifies the hatred that we feel.

Knowing what your weaknesses and strengths are will also help you stay calm during an argument. If you pay attention to the evolution of the exchange and not just your posture, it will be easier for you to know when it will be the most opportune to make a concession, to focus on the arguments of the other or to withdraw.

On the other hand, it’s not the same to argue in public as it is to do it in private, nor is it to have a discussion at the end of the day. with the accumulated fatigue of doing it during the weekend or when we are quiet. Choosing one time or another to solve a problem is also a certain proof of social intelligence.

If you are about to participate in a debate or open discussion, prepare yourself. Organize your presentation and identify the arguments that can best support your case. It’s about having a common thread that you can hang on to if necessary.

On the other hand, if it is an argument that you can foresee, it is better to prepare your speech, your defense arguments and your ideas. Learn about your options, the strength of your arguments and, if possible, anticipate the other party’s response.

• Avoid raising your voice and speaking too fast: tell yourself that your physiological constants will have to follow the speed of your speech.
• Maintain body language that is peaceful and not aggressive: watch the way you move and the actions you perform. If you are aggressive (even if that is not your intention), you will generate a defensive response from the other person.

• If you start to feel like you’re getting close to getting upset, you can try to divert the discussion to side issues and regain your confidence. This is to avoid making mistakes that would directly invalidate you as a partner.

Finally, remember that the effects of the strategies we have presented to you here will show up with time and practice. You can start with a self-observation and self-criticism exercise that will let you know what you can do best when you are chatting with someone and the exchange turns into an argument.

Our thoughts

Is it possible to debate without arguing? To some, it seems impossible. We will see together strategies to achieve this …