What Is Behind The Tensions Within The Couple?
With the idealization of love and the proliferation of textbooks aimed at eliminating the contradictions in life, it has become more difficult to love. On this point, the past was better: in the way of managing the tensions within the couple. We didn’t think they were anything extraordinary, but accepted them as normal.
It has changed a lot today. It seems that the love between two people, to be considered valid, must exclude contradictions. The tensions within the couple are considered as an alarm signal. Proof that something is wrong.
It does not seem acceptable today that two people who love each other can harm each other. One thing does not exclude the other. On the contrary, one implies the other. Most human relationships leave a lot to be desired when compared to idyllic models. Even so, they can be strong and resilient.
By forming a couple, we are not starting a new story. Indeed, we give continuity to several scripts from the past. To the unfinished love story we have written since birth with our parents. To other failed or exultant loves that no longer exist. We never present ourselves new and immaculate in any of our relationships.
The origins of tensions within the couple
The first reason for the tension within the couple is the collapse of romantic expectations. It is not that the other is extorting us; what ends up falling, at least in part, is this set of idyllic projections and goals that we usually enter into a relationship with. Especially when we have the feeling of being in the presence of “the love of our life”.
It is natural to idealize the other. It is part of the psychological processes that take place when we fall in love. Some people are more prone to this than others, but idealization occurs either way.
On the other hand, it is also natural that a series of small disappointments arise . We find that, ultimately, some pieces of the puzzle are missing. Contrary to what we initially imagined, this person annoys us sometimes. She also manages to disturb us.
This point marks the dissolution of many young couples. For others, it is simply a step. The underlying interest remains, as does the compatibility. Affection is stronger than disappointment. L are tensions within the couple are addressed as a non-controlling obstacle. If anyone sees a dramatic element in it, they will experience a crisis of expectations and reality.
It all falls into place after a while
The decline in romantic expectations is just the beginning. Two people can be very smart and realistic. However, by forming a couple, several elements (ideas, thoughts, behaviors, emotions, etc.) are modified. As part of any stable union, it is common for each member of the couple to wonder at some point if they were not completely wrong in their choice of love.
Love is like this: contradictory. Tensions within the couple are the daily bread, not the exception to the rule. There is no human relationship as full of contrasts as that between a man and a woman forming a couple. A mistake that is easily forgiven a child or a friend can be oversized in the context of the couple. Passions, including anger, are always the order of the day.
Without realizing it, all couples negotiate secret rules. One will be the strong and the other will let himself be protected. Or one will be the understanding and the other demanding. One will be anxious for both and the other will bring the touch of tranquility. Union is not only based on affects, it is also based on powerful psychological mechanisms which, most of the time, advance on the ground of the unconscious. And when these tacit agreements are not respected, tensions appear within the couple.
There are those who do not accept that true love is like this. They don’t want to give up fantasies of a fully harmonious relationship that fully conforms to the idea of love with a capital A, but neither do they want to give up a relationship that balances imperfections. A relationship in which there is no tension within the couple, but rather a constant well-being fulfilling the promise of “they lived happily ever after”. A love that doesn’t involve forgiveness or frustration. Exactly the kind of relationship we’ll never find, for the simple reason that it doesn’t exist.
Our thoughts Learning to build a healthy bond, which makes us happy and above all which grows on the basis of security and trust, is not …
